Oh friends. I feel like I’ve been waiting to write this post since the day Luke was born.

On March 30, 2017, I posted this photo with this caption:

“Every birth changes you in unexpected ways. All 3 of mine have been vastly different in every aspect. These past few days I have actually rested like I never rested after giving birth. I’ve allowed myself to soak up all the goodness of my family without worrying about the world around me. These moments are so fleeting. When you’re awake more than you sleep you have plenty of time to reflect… this time around, I’ve been obsessed with my postpartum belly. Every time I walk past a mirror I stare at it in adoration. I love it. Sometimes I think its far too easy to skip past healing and embracing the incredible feat we as women have just done after giving birth. I am in awe of how my body has carried and given birth to THREE beautiful people. This belly recently hid my biggest baby – biggest surprise – safe and sound for nearly 10 months. This belly is squishy and it makes me so happy. I know eventually all will be back to the way it was and the evidence of giving birth (for me) will be gone but for now I want to just time capsule all the JOY in all the things INCLUDING this squishy, milk making body of mine in the process of healing.”

I meant every single word that I wrote. I genuinely allowed myself to focus on the main things after having Luke. Now, let’s back up a moment and let me show you my first two postpartum experiences for comparison. The one thing that was consistent in all 3 postpartum journeys is that I did not exercise or work out after them. I didn’t do any physical activity until a year after both boys were born and I didn’t do anything for YEARS after Ellie was born. The only real exercise I’ve done in the last 4 years is yoga. It’s my cup of tea and what makes me happy and feel good. I thought it important to let y’all in on that detail but I digress…

In 2009, I gave birth to Ellie. I was 22 years old and had gained around 50lbs. (I am BARELY 5ft tall) When she was 8 months old, I had begun my journey of living a healthier lifestyle and only a few weeks of being on a few supplements, I posted these photos for the world to see. I wanted to show that I was, in fact, very large at the end of my pregnancy and I thought it would be encouraging(?) to show how I had “bounced back”…

The problem with these images is that it’s unrealistic. These photos got me a lot of business success but sadly, they didn’t tell the whole story. What I didn’t disclose was that I was still a smoker, took Adderall for ADD and my eating was very poor. I was NOT healthy by any means. This weight loss was not healthy. My life was not pretty. My heart was hurting and stress was through the roof at all times. I’m not a stress eater so, for me, I lost the majority of the weight in an unhealthy way. I still lived on fast food as a hair stylist and I was on my feet all the live long day but that was as far as my physical activity went. I stopped breastfeeding Ellie when she was 4-5 months old so I also didn’t have the added consideration of what I was consuming because it was just me and I wasn’t restricted in any way.

With Elijah, I was 26 years old when he was born. I ate VERY well throughout my pregnancy and didn’t have much stress  (if any) at all. Our home was much more joyful, ADD med and cigarettes had been gone for over a year at this point. I only gained 35lbs or so. I hadn’t anticipated the difficulty of breastfeeding that I would have or the toll it would take on my body. The combination of Fenugreek and WAYYY too many grains caused crazy inflammation in my body. The right photo is of me when Elijah was 8 months old, the same age as Ellie was in the photo I posted years prior with my bikini on. The only bikini pictures I was taking at this time in my life were the ones that my husband took when I didn’t realize it! I would tell anyone who asked that it was worth it to keep the extra weight for my baby because I was struggling to continue our breastfeeding relationship, but I was uncomfortable in my skin. My gut was off despite taking great vitamins and eating a healthy diet. FOR ME, I would soon after weaning Elijah realize that Fenugreek actually can deplete a woman’s milk supply and it can cause major blood sugar issues.

I didn’t know what I didn’t yet know but looking back on these photos, I’m still proud of myself for going 13 months breastfeeding him and doing what I thought was necessary to be able to have that with him even if that meant carrying an extra 15-20lbs around longer than I needed to.

And then there’s Luke at 8 months old. With Luke, I was 30 years old and gained 38lbs during my pregnancy with him. My focus from day ONE (as you can see from the beginning of this post) was to nourish myself and nourish my baby. HEALING was the focus. BREASTFEEDING successfully and without stress was also another focus for me. I had a full milk supply and had lost every bit of pre-pregnancy weight. The key for me, THE WEIGHT WAS NEVER THE FOCUS. Never. I didn’t worry about “getting my body back” or any of that garbage.

Ladies, I understand the pressures we have going on in our homes, our minds and our lives. This time, I wasn’t scrolling facebook and feeling that tinge of jealousy and condemnation creeping up on me because I wasn’t “back.” I seriously loved my belly and all its yummy squishiness! I LEGITIMATELY was in awe. For a little added transparency, I gotta tell you… It took me far too long to even write this post because I feared that my story wasn’t valid to anyone because maybe I don’t have the visible stretch marks or still have a lot of weight on. My story was easier to tell when I carried that extra 20lbs with Elijah because I knew more women could relate to me with that. There is nothing wrong with having extra weight that’s healthy. This post IS NOT about weight just as my happiness after having Luke was NOT about weight loss even though I did trim down. I want more women to look at what’s NOURISHING their body and their soul. I found the Whole30 experience to be beneficial to me in showing me that grains cause me a lot of inflammation and that is what I ate a LOT of after Elijah. I focused on healthy fats and balanced eating with Luke. I’ve never worried about getting back to the gym so that isn’t part of my story. I also don’t “deprive” myself. After years of eating healthy, I don’t crave fast food or refined sugars. I just don’t. I don’t watch other people having cake and ice cream at a birthday while saying NO for any reason other than maybe I don’t want cake that day. If I want cake, I’m going to eat the cake and I’m not going to feel an ounce of guilt. I’m also not calling it a “cheat.” I don’t believe in cheat meals. I only believe in what’s worth it and what’s not. I believe in deciding what I want to consume and being happy with that. Grains cause me inflammation, yes, but does that mean I will NEVER eat quinoa or rice? NO. Does that mean it’s going to be a staple in my dinner rotation plans? Also NO.

There’s value in using wisdom as to what goes in our mouths. Food for people is a lot like Money. Everyone has their own association with Food & Money based upon their own life experiences. You know how many people view money as evil and others idolize/worship it. Whatever a person’s views on money, they likely see it that way because of their life experiences regarding money.  If you were raised in a home that used food as a source of comfort, reward or punishment, that’s going to shape the way you view it as an adult. Then imagine how we pass that on to the generations after us. In my home, I want my children to learn what’s in their food and what they’re eating. I allow them to make the choices for themselves as to what is “worth it” to them. When they choose to have an excess of sugar and “Red Light” foods as we call them, they always let me know they can tell their tummies are hurt or Elijah will notice he’s having a hard time controlling his frustrations and anger after those foods. I want them to carry how food makes them FEEL throughout life. Eat for nourishment, yall! That’s it.

I can’t go back to tell my 23 year old self what she will learn in the next 7 years but if I could, oh my word, I would! I would tell her to slow down! I would tell her that the ticket to happiness is going to be fixing her four walls and learning to love her husband well. I would assure her that that IS going to happen. Life is going to turn around and she’s on the right path to healing and redemption in many ways. The journey isn’t going to be easy but {enter insanely cliche saying here} IT IS WORTH IT! Every bit of the journey is worth it. Of course I’d love to take what I know now and enter it in to my past to “fix” a lot of what has happened BUT then I wouldn’t have the perspectives I have now. I wouldn’t have the life experiences that have shaped me into feeling ready to shout it from the rooftops and encourage others on their journey. If there’s anything you take away from this, I want you to know that you are beautiful in YOUR skin and nobody else’s. Be confident in who you are, our children will gain more from that confidence that comes within- not with what size our jeans are.  I hope you’ll see that my belief is we can all be truly satisfied and filled with joy when healthy living is not a punishment. It’s not a have to, it’s a GET TO. We GET TO choose how our life turns out and what we allow. For me, I never want to stop growing, learning, living and sharing the things along the way. 🙂

Blessings,

Maca