Here we are! Ellie is N I N E years old today! This story feels like forever ago and yet also still so fresh in my mind. Ellie’s birth changed me for the very first time in such a way that I never knew existed. I know it’s so cliche to say, but the sense of purpose I felt once she was here is indescribable. Jeff and I have said so many times that we believe Ellie saved our lives. I’ve already talked about our marriage journey here so please go read it if you haven’t! This story is also a stark contrast to the birth stories of Luke and Elijah. This birth story was the one that changed my heart for birth to start with so let’s begin….
Here’s a photo of me the night before my induction that might give a little indication of where the story is going to start. “Out of control” was a pretty good description of what things looked like.
Jeff and I had only been dating for 3 months when I found out I was pregnant. I was 21 years old (22 when she was born) and living 100% for myself and my needs/wants up until this point. I spent 9 months of pregnancy watching “A Baby Story” on TLC, reading a book called, “The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy,” and the typical “What to Expect” books. I had no reference for where to begin to read positive birth stories, nor did I understand the value and importance of them. I hadn’t had anyone around me give a story of birth other than the typical negative stuff we’ve all heard. I only got encouragement of getting all the meds under the sun but never once heard anyone talk about the side effects for myself or my baby. Naturally, when it came close to my “due” date I was miserable. I had been on my feet working hard at the salon my entire pregnancy and initially I thought my due date was October 2nd. I had been off 7 days on my dates so it made sense that October 9th was the day. At my 38 week appointment, I absolutely lost my mind in the Doctor’s office. Let me interject for one second to tell you how much I LOVE the OBGYN I had with Ellie and Elijah! He was our neighbor and would eventually also be our landlord plus the man who took care of me through two pregnancies. Three weeks before my due date, he had a random seizure. They never figured out why it happened but at my 38 week appointment he had to let me know that he wouldn’t be able to deliver my baby girl. He was on restriction for several weeks out of precaution and would be unable to drive. He also told me it appeared that my due date was going to be a week LATER than we orginally thought, October 16th. I lost it. I was crying and asking him if we could schedule my induction to accommodate him or if we could just pick him up when it was time to head to the hospital since he lived so close. Ha! God, love him. I can only imagine all that he’s had to endure over the years.
He did end up scheduling my induction even though there was no medical need for it, just a crazy impatient pregnant lady that was DONE. It was guessed that my baby girl would be around 8lbs or so and of course I had heard the horror stories of “big babies” so I used that as an added excuse to get the induction. Out of the few Doctors in the practice I was seeing, there was only 1 other Doctor I wanted to take care of me and I was so happy that request was honored. The night before I went in to the hospital, my parents cooked me a BIG steak and baked potato dinner because I wasn’t going to be able to eat at the hospital. I didn’t take into consideration the amount of time it might take for things to get going or that I was hypoglycemic and didn’t handle not eating very well. Minor details that would feel major later on.
On October 9, 2009, I wrote on my Facebook:
Swinging on the side porch watching the rain before going to the hospital… more scared & nervous than the day we found out we were having a baby….
I was so nervous. I had no idea what to expect. All I knew was that I didn’t want my water to be broken. Dr. B had agreed that if I had all the pitocin and still did not progress that I could be sent home. I really didn’t want a c-section if it wasn’t necessary.
Mom and I got to the hospital around 6am on October 9th. My main prayer was that our girl would come that day ONLY if God wanted it to be her birthday. I got all hooked up to the pitocin, checked in at 1cm and began the day of starvation and waiting. I didn’t have anyone to tell me to get up and walk to encourage labor along. No one told me the risks of pitocin for Mom and Baby. No one suggested any movement at all to help with my labor. I was just a sitting duck trusting in everyone else but not realizing that this was MY labor and MY birth and that it was MY job to do the research. I just didn’t know WHAT to research.
At 1:07pm on Facebook I wrote,
wouldn’t mind goin home at this point… IM STARVING!!!! Wonder if baby is gonna come today?!
I let everyone know that if there was no change after 8 hours, I’d be heading home without my baby. I decided to take a little nap and after about 30 minutes, I woke up and heard a loud, “POP” sound. My water broke!! Jeff was on his way, contractions picked up in an INTENSE way! I dilated from 2cm to 7 within 45 minutes. That cute little braid in the picture above, yeah I had thrown that ponytail holder across the room. I begged for medication and they obliged with a pain medication called Statol. I didn’t mention before that pain medication made me angry. I was slurring my words and so confused but the pain was still so intense. I had ZERO idea of how to cope with it. I didn’t know that resisting the pain made it worse and I didn’t know that pitocin would make such unnatural and painful contractions. I need to just say, this was worse than both of my unmedicated labors COMBINED.
At this point in all the commotion, Jeff was with me, mask and all. I finally convinced them to give me my epidural. I was dilating from a 7-9cm during the epidural and I kept apologizing to my nurse because I felt like I was hurting her squeezing her hand so hard. I just knew Jeff would have my nail imprints in his hand forever. THEY MESSED UP MY EPIDURAL 5 TIMES! FIVE TIMES they had to put the thing back in!! They finally got it right and the epidural kicked in to knock me out. The next few hours would be a big blur. I don’t remember my Dad feeding me ice chips or my OB coming in to see me when he didn’t have to.
When the other Doctor came in, he informed me that they usually didn’t allow people to sleep for 2 1/2 hours at 9cm along so I would need to get baby out soon or we would be talking about a c-section. At that point, I was so tired and traumatized I don’t really remember caring. Jeff and I played a Tug of War game with a sheet to try and get her to come down. I’m pretty sure this was the start of why I tore so badly with her.
Eventually, I was 10cm and it was time to push. I pushed for several HOURS. I couldn’t feel what was happening so instructions for me to know where to push were futile. My cousin was so amazing to be there to take all of our pictures and I remember her telling me when I was ready to give up, “Just suck it up and push!” Thanks to her, though, my favorite parts of this story are in the pictures! I literally have 250+ photos of this day to remember every detail where I had forgotten. There are times people came to see me and I don’t remember. These photos are also a wonderful reminder of how grateful I am to have learned a different way with my next two births. I’ll just let the next few photos tell the rest of the story but I am going to spare y’all the play by play of her actually coming out.
And just like that…. we were a family. I couldn’t believe it was real. I couldn’t believe she was here! She looked absolutely nothing like I expected even though I didn’t know WHAT to expect. It might be worth mentioning also that we hadn’t FULLY settled on her name. Most everyone had assumed we went with Logan Camille Ramos and so everyone was already calling her that. After first looking at her, Jeff told me she looked like an Ellie but we were so out of it that we didn’t settle right then and there.
The hard part for me right now is all the pictures after this. She was quickly taken from me for the standard poking, prodding, weighing, measuring, footprints, etc. All of these things are unnecessary right after birth. I had been through a pretty traumatic event and wouldn’t know how hard it was until a few years later when I began to process it. I almost can’t hardly breathe when I think of my baby being taken from me so soon after birth. There was no skin to skin. No bonding. I did try to breastfeed her but I wasn’t given much time before she was taken to the nursery. At that point I was so starving and pumped full of medication, I was shaking uncontrollably. My body was so unhappy and in shock. All I wanted was Whataburger and you better believe my amazing family got me whatever I wanted.
Since Jeff had the swine flu, he wasn’t going to be able to stay the night with me so my Mom graciously did. The next morning a nurse came in telling us we needed to fill out the paperwork with baby’s name and she asked what that information would be. I asked if we could wait til my husband arrived to fill that out and I was MORTIFIED when she asked me if he was “the baby’s father”… THAT was one of the main reasons I wanted to get married before she came. I didn’t want to be asked who my baby daddy was. The BIGGEST reason, though, was that I wanted my Nannie to be able to see me get married before the baby came. She was 90 years old at the time and was so important to me that I wanted her there. I digress. Jeff finally did arrive and got to hold Ellie for the very first time.
My Nannie (only grandparent I ever knew) was named Bertie Elizabeth. My middle name is Elizabeth. Then Camille is my Mother’s middle name.
Elizabeth Camille Ramos
October 9, 2009
6:51pm
6lbs 9oz
My baby girl was absolutely perfect in EVERY way! All the hard work was worth it, absolutely! But this birth was traumatic for me. The entire birth was traumatic from the moment my water broke and I wouldn’t realize this until years later. I tore the worst with Ellie because of the forced pushing for hours and my body not being able to do what it needed to do on its own. I wasn’t ready to have her. She was only 6lbs 9oz and I tore worse with her than I did my 8lb 8oz. I also wouldn’t realize the impact of the immediate separation from Ellie and I right after she was born. I struggled with connecting, struggled with breastfeeding and I struggled in general. I had some pretty heavy postpartum emotions but because of my personality, I didn’t really allow myself to work through the emotions because they were negative. I would laugh things off or just dismiss it. Not until I discovered EMPOWERED birth and being EMPOWERED after birth as a Mother, did I allow myself the opportunity to grieve and then give it over to God. The Lord is not surprised by my struggle in this area. I don’t for one second that this was what was meant for me, but I DO believe that what the enemy would want to use against me, the Lord will redeem for HIS purposes and I intend to do just that. I intend to love on pregnant women and share positivity and realness with them. Whether you want an epidural, c-section, homebirth, WHATEVER – you should be encouraged to figure out YOUR own path for your birth. No, birth doesn’t always go as “planned” but you CAN have an inner peace with whatever does happen. I don’t share my story for myself but rather to say, it is OKAY to NOT be okay with how things happened. For me, knowledge has been so powerful but GOD in my life is what took the mess and has given me a message. I suppressed my emotions for too long and this year, I let myself sit in them. I actually felt the pain of wanting to relive this day again and allowed myself to heal from that grief knowing that BECAUSE of the way this day played out, I am now an advocate for other women to know their options. I get to lead workshops to help Moms have the information to make their own informed decisions. Thank You, Jesus, for redemption in this area! I’m so grateful I get to share with Ellie this story and when she gets older, she will be able to be informed fully to make her own choices. I stand and tell this story BECAUSE of her. I can’t gloss over the hard parts just for my own comfort. Due to the fact that I AM a positive polly by nature, I’d encourage you to go read my other birth stories to see how it IS possible to be informed and feel ready heading into labor. For some, they can go in the exact same way I did with Ellie and leave unscathed but that’s the exception, not the rule. More and more women are realizing the gravity of birth trauma and the movement to create positive birth, no matter how the baby enters the world, is an important one.
I pray that if you’re pregnant and reading this with any hesitation of your upcoming birth, seek out encouraging women to uplift you! KNOWLEDGABLE women. Find women with powerful birth stories that are willing to share. Find yourself an incredible DOULA! They are invaluable! More than anything, I pray for you as you enter the most blessed part of your life! Being a Mother is second to none for me. The hardest, most rewarding challenge I’ve ever experienced. Always feel free to drop me an email or a comment!
Let me know if you’d be interested to find out when my next Prenatal/Postnatal Health Coaching workshops are! We’re in this together!
Blessings,
Maca