In July 2007, I decided to get a Breast Reduction/Lift/Small Implants surgery thinking it would help heal my biggest insecurity I had of my body. Partially, it did do that but 12 years later, in July 2019, I explanted. There is so much surrounding explants right now as we find out how breast implants have been the cause of so many women’s mysterious illnesses. Breast Implant Illness is a BIG deal but upfront I want to make sure it’s known that I did NOT have BII. Aside from having reoccurring Staph Infections since my first surgery, I have been incredibly healthy in every way. I didn’t have to have BII to make the wise choice for ME to explant. We’re all different and our life decisions are individual. I don’t think every woman should explant if she doesn’t want to, that’s not my aim. But I DO want to share my story of healing from insecurity and getting free of one area of it.
From the 7th to 8th grade I went from a size A to a C. By 9th grade I was a D-DD and that was hard being under 5ft tall and a small frame. It was hard to find clothes, bras, and my back would hurt often. At the end of the day, though, it was the fact that I was given attention for that area of my body by boys so early on that made me aware of them so much. My Senior year of high school I visited another friend’s school where I walked in a classroom and the Teacher actually said, “Oh so YOU’RE Maca with the big boobs!” *WOW* Of course I laughed it off then but it was true, that’s what I felt known for. I had identity in that area but it was my biggest insecurity because it would also be the first thing I got made fun of for if a girl was mad at me. “Saggy boobs” is what I would hear. It’s not like this part of my body was easy to hide. I had to get dressed every single day and look in the mirror. I would pick myself apart and be so embarrassed by how I looked. If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I’d tell that girl that she is BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT exactly how God made her but I don’t think she would’ve heard it.
I graduated high school and eventually got to the place in my life as a Hair Stylist where I could pay to fix this area of insecurity and so I did. I chose to do a Breast Reduction and Lift with Small Implants so they would stay “perky forever.” I had the surgery at the ripe age of 20 and was back at work in the salon a week and a half later. At that point I noticed extra bruising which would end up being tissue torn on the right side with internal bleeding. I had a second emergency surgery to fix all of that and then my vertical incision on that side wouldn’t heal completely for another 6 months. I didn’t even think of staph at that point but that’s what it was.
I’ve told the staph story before so let’s fast forward to June 2015 when I read my friend, Alisa Keeton’s blog series about being “Flat as a Board, Free as a Bird.” I knew in my heart that I was going to be explanting eventually but had no idea when or even WHY I would want to. Around the time that I read that, I had lunch with a friend that had been researching her own explant and issues with her health that she believed were connected to her implants. I remember saying, “Gosh I’m glad I don’t have issues because I love mine.” *eye roll* We all come to our own decisions in perfect timing for ourselves no matter what that looks like. Thank goodness for friends that give grace! In 2018 I really began thinking about explanting as I had 6-7 friends go before me to remove theirs. They all had health issues, I didn’t. My heart kept stirring….
In August 2018 I learned about the Enneagram. I’ve always loved Strengths Finder, Love Language, DISC type personality tests as a tool for personal growth so when I took this test and saw that I was a 7, I immediately went to look for pitfalls or areas that it would suggest a 7 to grow in. Sevens tend to run from emotional pain. *YES we do* When I read that, I felt my heart stirred even more to look into this and dive deep at what I had been running from for so long. All the times I’ve ran or stuffed down emotional pain from my past just because I am allergic to negativity, I leaned into that. I prefer the silver lining. I want happiness ALL the time. One day I was just praying about this emotional pain stuff and I began thinking about words spoken over me. I had forgiven people that said things to me but I had not forgotten the words. I carried those words around in a packed suitcase in my mind for the last 10-18 years and they traveled with me in even in the major areas of personal growth I’ve had. The very surgery I had to alleviate my insecurities, I was still put down for that area of my body even after the fact when I was told that my scars were ugly. I couldn’t win.
No matter how hard or fast I ran from this thing over the years, I hadn’t FORGOTTEN. I had believed the LIES. The lies for YEARS before the surgery, stemming all the way back to Jr High, I believed them ALL. The moment I allowed myself to FEEL the emotional pain of the years of being objectified, made fun of and just plain hurt from this, I realized I wanted to be FREE. I wanted to be back to 100% me. I did the inner work to get to the place where I knew I was going to love myself whether I had ugly scars or not. I wanted the fake OUT. I talked to my husband who is AMAZING. When I mentioned to him that I wanted to explant, he was 100% on my side. He didn’t care one bit. I have to be honest, I wasn’t going to NOT have the surgery even if he said it would bother him. This was part of my journey and my healing. Thank heaven I didn’t have to come in between that rock and hard place. God has blessed me beyond measure with an incredibly supportive husband.
I was added to a Breast Implant Illness group mostly just so I could look at the Doctors that women recommended around DFW. After researching and talking to a few women, I scheduled my Explant Consultation with Dr. Surjit Rai for April. A few days before that, I was in prayer and journaling when I randomly opened my devotional to July 22nd. You know those times you’re just sure something meant more than just a coincidental page flip, that was one of those moments. The date of July 22nd was perfect because I needed to be 3 months weaned from breastfeeding Luke and was ultimately the day I chose to explant. From the date itself, work schedule for my husband and scheduling for childcare, it ticked all the boxes for a “meant to be” situation.
I’d love to elaborate on the actual preparation of the surgery, healing and experience in another post but it must be said here and now – I skipped happily into my consult. I was a million times sure that Dr. Rai was my guy even before meeting him. I scheduled my surgery date the day of my consult and I did not have NOT EVEN ONE OUNCE of fear going into it. Right when the meds were going into my arm, I said, “Maybe I’m nervous now” …but I wasn’t and by that point, I was asleep. Dr. Rai and his staff would tell you this is true – I was joyful the day of my surgery and I was joyful when I woke up. In the past, waking up from surgery I was a monster… not this time! I woke up giggling and asking for crackers then making jokes about my dry mouth. I was joyful when the bandages came off and my husband even made a comment about being excited too. Ha! I enjoyed every single moment of my healing because I’ve been freed of the need to be go-go-go all the time. I dive right into any chance I get to sit and heal. To be honest, with 3 kids, it was a vacation not to have to lift a finger for 4 weeks!
Speaking of kids…. I think of my daughter. As she is getting older, I have already been contemplating the stories I get to share with her and this will be one of them. I don’t expect her to have the same issues I did or go through the same rough patches of life that I have (there are so many) BUT I forever want her to know I am here and I understand. Her Mom is not without fault and I have had to go through things the hard way in almost every area of my life but GOD has come rushing in to heal me in every way when I have allowed Him to. This isn’t about me not wanting my daughter to have plastic surgery. It’s about her being confident EXACTLY as she was created and walking that out in ways I couldn’t. I want her to go farther than I ever have in life and be everything God has called her to be in whatever capacity that looks like for her.
There couldn’t have been a more perfect time for me and my explant. I didn’t need to have a health reason to do it. For me, it was an inner healing work that has set me free from bondage I didn’t even realize I had allowed to continue in my life. Insecurity isn’t eradicated from my brain after this surgery, though. There are many areas I need to rise up to actually be who I’m called to be confidently but this was a major milestone for me in my life. Letting go of something that was an anchor to the past and moving forward to whats next. You have no idea how excited I am to see what’s next…..
Blessings,
Maca